Checking. Refresh.
No news. No stress.
Checking. Refresh.
A Poem. Sadness.
Checking. Refresh.
No Trust. Helpless.
Checking. Refresh.
Horrible. Flashback.
Checking. Refresh.
Future. What else?
Checking. Refresh.
Healing. Kindness.
Checking. Refresh.
My life was a mess.

I call myself meredrica. I absolutely habe no idea where that name comes from. It sprang to my mind one day and since then, I use it most of the time when I get the chance.

I don’t know about phonetic lettering but in German you would say meredrika.
Sometimes I also used the name meredrica destructa, usually when somebody decided that you can’t use more than one word for a second name (I never got why that would be needed).

I like that name. It does not have any deeper meaning.
The bywords however, do. I always thought of myself to be capable of destroying everything that I had to. Or everything that managed to push me hard enough. Or everything that I wanted to destroy. It never crossed my mind that I might one day use my special powers against myself.

I have no idea how to begin this post.
Today, I will move out. Out of the home that we built together as a family. The flat that was supposed to be the seed of our future.
I was so fucking stupid I can’t even believe it myself. The last year was a complete mess, and I really have nobody else to blame but myself. I don’t really know what I was trying to do. Maybe I was just trying to find myself.
What I’ve found is nothing pretty.
I had depressions all my life and still have. The first time I attempted suicide, I was 14 years old, sitting with a rope around my neck at my bed, in my parents house. I don’t remember much before that.
It was a miracle that I got to 16. Back then, I was lucky to meet the right people which helped keep me alive. I was feeling alone and unloved most of the time, until I met somebody that was just as fucked up as me, and we pulled ourselves out of the dirt.
When I was almost 18, I met my future wife. I suddenly had a future. I was afraid that I’d never make it to my 20th birthday. And then it came and went. And I got to 21. I got engaged and married with 22, celebrating my 23rd birthday during our honeymoon.

Forever

i took a step to the edge today

toward a plunge into decay

another kill they’re going to say

(Note: this is an old text from another life)

two lives that went astray
one to stay - no more to say
feelings turning round again
returning where they started from

better feels the thrill of old
costly for it’s golden glow
what became a growing cold
once a friendship it was told