I’m having a rather strange year. Very different to the last one.

While the first half was terrible, in fact the darkest time of my whole life, but the recent past is the complete opposite. I can’t remember that I ever had such a positive attitude. My usual mindset was pessimistic and often depressed.

Now, this is a little paradox because I’m in the middle of getting divorced. But I realized it’s the right decision. When this is sorted out, I can start working on a new future. If I can be bothered that is. Right now it is good to just live happy, healthy and not have plans.

So much has changed. The last one and a half years were hard but I pulled through.
I learned a lot about life. Albeit the price for this learning experience was too high.
Our relationship broke, we will get divorced. I think it was broken beyond repair since last year’s August.
I just could not accept it. Now I can - I’m ready to move on.
I learned a lot. How to live alone, how to trust less, how it feels to lose all of your future against your will.
How it feels when one of your closest friends betrays you in ways you can’t really imagine and can’t ever forgive nor forget.

I learned that nothing in life is as important as friends and family that help you through dark times. I would definitely not have made it without you guys.
My friends who provided shelter, moral support and drinking buddies. The people that would listen to my endless rants and take my ailments serious.
You provided help in the darkest time of my life. I am forever in your dept. I don’t take all this for granted.

This is a short updated, compared to the last few posts. But it’s one that is not written in a depressed mindset for once.
In fact, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin before.

I couldn’t control myself. I had another emotional breakdown and ruined a lot again. I have no idea if this damage can ever be repaired.
It’s the first time that my sickness got me. I hate myself for not thinking longer before speaking. I wasn’t myself and let my broken parts cause havoc.

This might have been the biggest mistake ever. I have no idea if this problem is fixable, and I am the only one to blame.

I hate myself right now. I hate my disease. I cause chaos again, in a time where chaos can ruin everything. I messed with our stability. I am stupid and unstable and I did not want all of this.

Sometimes you find comfort in strange places.

I reached a new low last week and came out faster and stronger than ever before.

Therapy seems to work better than I acknowledged.

So this is it. After eleven years, I am single again. We had ten wonderful years and one troubled one. We tried getting back on course. First I was not ready, then she wasn’t, still isn’t. I just broke up with the person I love more than anything else (My daughter excluded of course. Alice trumps everything, all the time).

We decided to stop having a relationship for the coming month. Nicole needs to get her life together and this is the only way in which I can help. I trade my happiness for her well being. Love makes you do crazy things.

Nicole might be ready tomorrow. Or in a week or a year. And her decision might change just as quick. She is currently so messed up that there is simply no point in carrying on. I know because I tried. I gave my best but fixing a relationship is not a solo project.