Last time I left some questions unanswered. This was mainly due to the fact that I had no answers to them. So I guess it is time for an update on my current situation.

I was couch surfing for a week and stayed with my relatives in Vienna. I also had a lot of talks and phone calls with many friends and family members. I have to say, I know some pretty awesome people. Thank you all for your support, kind words, suggestions and support. Also, let’s not forget the evenings with (a bit of) beer and deep, thoughtful discussions.

The next week, Nicole stayed out of the flat and I moved back in. We actually were a lot at home together, to spend time with our daughter. Needless to say, she was extremely confused and did not understand what was going on or why we were not all sleeping at home.
Sleeping in separate locations was rather strange but it helped a lot. It introduced some calm into our relationship which we desperately needed. This, along with the fact that I picked up therapy, eventually led to Nicole stopping her affair and we are now living together again.

Your life goes quickly helter skelter
Then you’re left without your shelter

A heartless warning left unread
A shitty place inside my head

Whoever this might one day read:
Beware, your demons are a threat

Checking. Refresh.
No news. No stress.
Checking. Refresh.
A Poem. Sadness.
Checking. Refresh.
No Trust. Helpless.
Checking. Refresh.
Horrible. Flashback.
Checking. Refresh.
Future. What else?
Checking. Refresh.
Healing. Kindness.
Checking. Refresh.
My life was a mess.

I call myself meredrica. I absolutely habe no idea where that name comes from. It sprang to my mind one day and since then, I use it most of the time when I get the chance.

I don’t know about phonetic lettering but in German you would say meredrika.
Sometimes I also used the name meredrica destructa, usually when somebody decided that you can’t use more than one word for a second name (I never got why that would be needed).

I like that name. It does not have any deeper meaning.
The bywords however, do. I always thought of myself to be capable of destroying everything that I had to. Or everything that managed to push me hard enough. Or everything that I wanted to destroy. It never crossed my mind that I might one day use my special powers against myself.

I have no idea how to begin this post.
Today, I will move out. Out of the home that we built together as a family. The flat that was supposed to be the seed of our future.
I was so fucking stupid I can’t even believe it myself. The last year was a complete mess, and I really have nobody else to blame but myself. I don’t really know what I was trying to do. Maybe I was just trying to find myself.
What I’ve found is nothing pretty.
I had depressions all my life and still have. The first time I attempted suicide, I was 14 years old, sitting with a rope around my neck at my bed, in my parents house. I don’t remember much before that.
It was a miracle that I got to 16. Back then, I was lucky to meet the right people which helped keep me alive. I was feeling alone and unloved most of the time, until I met somebody that was just as fucked up as me, and we pulled ourselves out of the dirt.
When I was almost 18, I met my future wife. I suddenly had a future. I was afraid that I’d never make it to my 20th birthday. And then it came and went. And I got to 21. I got engaged and married with 22, celebrating my 23rd birthday during our honeymoon.

Forever